Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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