Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
