just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
