i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
