i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize