So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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