is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
