Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
This show inspires me to have sex in space
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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