by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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