With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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