my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Randomize
