Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
