I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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