You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
