Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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