Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
