Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Randomize