My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
