Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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