every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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