I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
