Your face is a jimmy john
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize