I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
