If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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