I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
