Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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