my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
