Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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