the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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