apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
