If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
