I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I want to stick my p in your. b.
Four minutes until I can fart!
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
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