captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
