The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
