thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
