I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Be still, my beating vagina.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
