I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
