I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
