When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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