The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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