Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
