I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
