The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I intend to get homeless drunk
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
