I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
