Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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