I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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