Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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