Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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