come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
