3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
