i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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