based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
So many bounce houses so little time
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
