there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
