What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
