It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
