It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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