I wish I could teleport
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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